My Husband

Nov. 16th, 2007 03:13 pm
margoeve: (Elkor and I)
I am with a man who has stuck by me through great heart aches and great triumphs. He's cleaned up the messes others left across my heart, and still not turned his back on me.

He would never forbid me from contact from someone I care about, unless that person meant me harm. No matter how much he might resent the other person, if I care for them he knows it would hurt me more to cut them off from me, than to just let it be.

I have never met a man who gets so much happiness from my joy before. If I am smiling, he is content, even if it was not him who caused that smile.

Don't get me wrong, he causes me to smile a lot. After all these years, we can still just lay together, be silly, and giggle like idiots. He still kisses me every morning upon waking. They say it's the little things that matter. That is because over so long, the little things become huge, like his morning kisses. Like the way his hand rests in the center of my back when we sleep to ward off my nightmares.

When I run hot, he is cool. Not cold like ice, but the cool reassurance of the moist earth in a forest on a hot summers day.
When I am hurt, he is a balm to my soul. His touch is soothing, like the healing hands of one who has studies such arts their entire life.
When I am cold, he is the warm hearth fire. Not scalding. Not a flash. But a slow constant warmth.
He is home to me. He is the one I come back to when my adventuring is done.

He balances me.

And yet, this was not always so.

Love and Happiness are not finite commodities in the Universe. We are entitled to as much of it as we are willing to let ourselves have. For the truth is anyone can have anything they want, as long as they don't care about what it looks like.

Case in point: My elopement was not what I thought it should look like. In truth, for many years I never thought I would have a husband, and if I did, he would not look like [livejournal.com profile] elkor. And still both are all I wanted and more.

As I stare at the ring on my finger, I know it wasn't a matter of fate. It wasn't because of a confluence of events pushing me in this direction. It was because we worked DAMN hard on being with each other. We had to relearn how to talk to each other so the other would hear. We had to relearn how to experience our emotions so as not to drive the other away. It is not enough to want or wish or wait; We had be willing to do the work to make this work.

I am honored that he believed me to be worth the effort. I know what he does for me, but I am still at a loss for what I do for him.
I no longer question it though. I know that it is enough that he found me worthy of his energy, worthy of his love, worthy of his efforts to open himself up to me. I get it now.
margoeve: (Mistakes)
I just stayed up reading entries from my first 2 years on LJ (most of which are all friends only).

There are some people no longer in my life that I am ok with no longer being in my life. In very few cases, the further away the better. In others, it's just better this way because of factors too myriad to list here.

There are some people who are not out of my life completely but have drifted in some way or degree, and I miss them. A great deal. But life has done what it does and people drift or make other connections to replace positions. I can't begrudge it, but I still miss the place I once held. I miss what was, and what could have been.

Then there are others... who have slammed the door on me. No explanation as to why, when everything seemed ok. Just a severing of a connection that ran so deep it's been like losing a limb. And like losing a limb, I still feel the connection there. Of course, it could just be insomnia mixed with nostalgia for this time of year. Anniversaries of so many things past. Summer encounters.

It's the exchange of ideas, the "brain sex," I miss the most. Love of my gray matter. "Spicy brains." I try to get it from others, but it just isn't the same.
I find myself in a state of academic apathy. A writing stalemate for want of someone who shares my thoughts, but words them differently, in which to have the back and forth dialog with. That dialog that got me through my undergraduate degree and has been sorely lacking from my Masters. And it's shown.

There is a great difference between asking me how my thesis is going or how much I've written today and asking me about my thesis. The subject. My findings. My limitations of study, etc. Most everyone does the former. People no longer letting me in did the latter. I miss such driving conversations like a car would miss getting an oil change for 2-3 years. Or like a muscle would atrophy if not being used for that same amount of time.

They may never read this, and that's ok too.

Well, no, it isn't. But it will be ok in the end eventually. Because it has to. Because there has to be other people out there that I can banter and explore information and add to knowledge with, if not in the same way, then in some way that will work for my mind. There just has to.

For now though, the blank page mocks me and I am left wondering about conversations that will never happen that might have made this process easier. It's so much more difficult to write when the other half of your brain won't speak to you. I find myself completely apathetic to this academic goal in part due to my isolation from anyone who gives a fuck about energizing me toward the end.

This time it actually is about you. Will you answer?
No, I suppose you won't.

And now, I'll try to get some sleep.
margoeve: (Sleepless)
Yes I'm back from my LJ vacation, sort of.

No, I don't know what I'll use this journal for in the future.

No, things are NOT ok. If I haven't talked to you about it already I don't want to talk about it now.

No, I'm not adding anyone to my F-list now. Not until I figure out how the hell I'm using this thing. I care too deeply for those I call "Friend" and I don't have enough energy for being "Friends" the way I mean it with as many people as LJ would have me call "Friend."

Don't understand? Confused? Ask me to clarify off of this thing.
Or let it go.
margoeve: (Sad)
To those who called me - thank you. I am not ignoring you, I just don't have much to say right now.

From 170+ to 131 on my F-list. It's down to people who are in my life on a regular basis or have a strong connection with, people who I read religiously because I find them insightful and entertaining, and people I've recently added over the past 6 months to try to get to know better.
People I just wasn't really reading and people who haven't poked their head into my journal in a long long time were cut. People who I felt only had me on their friends list to be 'polite' were also removed - seems I was correct in those feelings, that they were waiting for me to make a move like that so they could cut me out of their thoughts completely.

I hate that. I hate that forums such as this (and Friendster, and Tribe, and Myspace) have twisted the word "Friend" to mean a shadow of what it once stood for.
I hate that I think because I am privy to others locked thoughts - or that I've made them privy to mine - that we are closer than we actually are.

My thoughts on a "Friend" are actually echoed in the words of people like Ralph Waldo Emerson:
Quotes by him )

Or Henry David Thoreau:
Quotes by him )

Or others perhaps less known:
Quotes by them )

These may be considered pithy by many reading, but they have guided my definition of the word a lot stronger than "hey click here to add me to your friends list" has.

And that in and of itself is the problem. This Internet forum, which lacks the other four senses to connect to another, is not likely to connect others in the ways that Thoreau and Emerson and the rest were describing. The folly of it all being that in a striving to connect with others I haven't REALLY connected with them. I crave the connection that text allows, connecting us mind to mind, and yet that we are still separated by this modern day convenience. There is no guarantee that the connection is mutual.

Which doesn't explain those I enjoy reading and have befriended mainly because of this instrument. Perhaps it is because the are so far away and we are not actual factors in each other's lives that this is possible. It is, after all, those who are closest in proximity that I seem to be having the worst time connecting with.

Worse, even with this purging of "friends" I still feel it's too many people to keep track of.
I wonder, what is the way to reconciling this feeling of loss of connection through a means of connection?

Then I think of the phone calls I've gotten today and yesterday.
Maybe it is not for me to reconcile, and just recognize those "keys" when they make themselves apparent.

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