margoeve: (Default)
So I have had this as my g-chat away message for almost a month now:

Today a friend of mine, Mr. J-P, wrote the following as a response:

Margo. Good friend, consummate fighter, bloody and worn but never beaten, whether she knew it or not.
She fought ghosts, demons, and skeletons and arrived in a place of peace. Her honor and commitment to friendship deepened and she displayed and deeper caring for the soul than most could understand, not perfect but then again none of us are but she had an appreciation for the nonperfection of our lives and souls that helped her stand out among us.

She also had a very nice ass

I think it's the nicest thing anyone has said to my face in recent years. Ass remark not withstanding.

He gets to do my eulogy when I kick.
margoeve: (Honor)
We ALL said some very nasty things at some point. It didn't matter who you supported, every single person I've talked politics with has at some point spewed forth something unkind about the side they disagreed with. To ask for unity without apologizing for past hurts is like asking for forgiveness without actual repentance.

It takes nothing to be right. It takes self awareness to admit when one is wrong and be sincere about such an admission.

So, I say lets start the healing with apologizing to each other. I'll start:

I'm a moderate and I have said nasty things about both Democrats and Republicans. I am sorry that I said disparaging things about your political beliefs. They were said out of frustration, but that is not an excuse.

I am sorry that we hurt each other.

I am glad that we all wanted a change from what has been going on and I am sorry we couldn't see eye to eye during the election cycle. I am hoping you will, now that things have calmed down, accept my hand and let us come up with some solutions that we can all live with. The government can only do so much. It is up to each of us to make it ok to be, not a party, but an American.

I hope you will accept my apology.

And for those who are skeptical of my sincerity, I will say that I learned not so long ago that it is near impossible to be right all the time and be happy. In a choice between the two, I'll ALWAYS admit when I was wrong and choose happiness. There is no point in pride if all it brings is misery.

My Husband

Nov. 16th, 2007 03:13 pm
margoeve: (Elkor and I)
I am with a man who has stuck by me through great heart aches and great triumphs. He's cleaned up the messes others left across my heart, and still not turned his back on me.

He would never forbid me from contact from someone I care about, unless that person meant me harm. No matter how much he might resent the other person, if I care for them he knows it would hurt me more to cut them off from me, than to just let it be.

I have never met a man who gets so much happiness from my joy before. If I am smiling, he is content, even if it was not him who caused that smile.

Don't get me wrong, he causes me to smile a lot. After all these years, we can still just lay together, be silly, and giggle like idiots. He still kisses me every morning upon waking. They say it's the little things that matter. That is because over so long, the little things become huge, like his morning kisses. Like the way his hand rests in the center of my back when we sleep to ward off my nightmares.

When I run hot, he is cool. Not cold like ice, but the cool reassurance of the moist earth in a forest on a hot summers day.
When I am hurt, he is a balm to my soul. His touch is soothing, like the healing hands of one who has studies such arts their entire life.
When I am cold, he is the warm hearth fire. Not scalding. Not a flash. But a slow constant warmth.
He is home to me. He is the one I come back to when my adventuring is done.

He balances me.

And yet, this was not always so.

Love and Happiness are not finite commodities in the Universe. We are entitled to as much of it as we are willing to let ourselves have. For the truth is anyone can have anything they want, as long as they don't care about what it looks like.

Case in point: My elopement was not what I thought it should look like. In truth, for many years I never thought I would have a husband, and if I did, he would not look like [ profile] elkor. And still both are all I wanted and more.

As I stare at the ring on my finger, I know it wasn't a matter of fate. It wasn't because of a confluence of events pushing me in this direction. It was because we worked DAMN hard on being with each other. We had to relearn how to talk to each other so the other would hear. We had to relearn how to experience our emotions so as not to drive the other away. It is not enough to want or wish or wait; We had be willing to do the work to make this work.

I am honored that he believed me to be worth the effort. I know what he does for me, but I am still at a loss for what I do for him.
I no longer question it though. I know that it is enough that he found me worthy of his energy, worthy of his love, worthy of his efforts to open himself up to me. I get it now.
margoeve: (Mistakes)
I just stayed up reading entries from my first 2 years on LJ (most of which are all friends only).

There are some people no longer in my life that I am ok with no longer being in my life. In very few cases, the further away the better. In others, it's just better this way because of factors too myriad to list here.

There are some people who are not out of my life completely but have drifted in some way or degree, and I miss them. A great deal. But life has done what it does and people drift or make other connections to replace positions. I can't begrudge it, but I still miss the place I once held. I miss what was, and what could have been.

Then there are others... who have slammed the door on me. No explanation as to why, when everything seemed ok. Just a severing of a connection that ran so deep it's been like losing a limb. And like losing a limb, I still feel the connection there. Of course, it could just be insomnia mixed with nostalgia for this time of year. Anniversaries of so many things past. Summer encounters.

It's the exchange of ideas, the "brain sex," I miss the most. Love of my gray matter. "Spicy brains." I try to get it from others, but it just isn't the same.
I find myself in a state of academic apathy. A writing stalemate for want of someone who shares my thoughts, but words them differently, in which to have the back and forth dialog with. That dialog that got me through my undergraduate degree and has been sorely lacking from my Masters. And it's shown.

There is a great difference between asking me how my thesis is going or how much I've written today and asking me about my thesis. The subject. My findings. My limitations of study, etc. Most everyone does the former. People no longer letting me in did the latter. I miss such driving conversations like a car would miss getting an oil change for 2-3 years. Or like a muscle would atrophy if not being used for that same amount of time.

They may never read this, and that's ok too.

Well, no, it isn't. But it will be ok in the end eventually. Because it has to. Because there has to be other people out there that I can banter and explore information and add to knowledge with, if not in the same way, then in some way that will work for my mind. There just has to.

For now though, the blank page mocks me and I am left wondering about conversations that will never happen that might have made this process easier. It's so much more difficult to write when the other half of your brain won't speak to you. I find myself completely apathetic to this academic goal in part due to my isolation from anyone who gives a fuck about energizing me toward the end.

This time it actually is about you. Will you answer?
No, I suppose you won't.

And now, I'll try to get some sleep.
margoeve: (Sleepless)
Yes I'm back from my LJ vacation, sort of.

No, I don't know what I'll use this journal for in the future.

No, things are NOT ok. If I haven't talked to you about it already I don't want to talk about it now.

No, I'm not adding anyone to my F-list now. Not until I figure out how the hell I'm using this thing. I care too deeply for those I call "Friend" and I don't have enough energy for being "Friends" the way I mean it with as many people as LJ would have me call "Friend."

Don't understand? Confused? Ask me to clarify off of this thing.
Or let it go.


margoeve: (Default)

November 2014



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