margoeve: (Mistakes)
I just stayed up reading entries from my first 2 years on LJ (most of which are all friends only).

There are some people no longer in my life that I am ok with no longer being in my life. In very few cases, the further away the better. In others, it's just better this way because of factors too myriad to list here.

There are some people who are not out of my life completely but have drifted in some way or degree, and I miss them. A great deal. But life has done what it does and people drift or make other connections to replace positions. I can't begrudge it, but I still miss the place I once held. I miss what was, and what could have been.

Then there are others... who have slammed the door on me. No explanation as to why, when everything seemed ok. Just a severing of a connection that ran so deep it's been like losing a limb. And like losing a limb, I still feel the connection there. Of course, it could just be insomnia mixed with nostalgia for this time of year. Anniversaries of so many things past. Summer encounters.

It's the exchange of ideas, the "brain sex," I miss the most. Love of my gray matter. "Spicy brains." I try to get it from others, but it just isn't the same.
I find myself in a state of academic apathy. A writing stalemate for want of someone who shares my thoughts, but words them differently, in which to have the back and forth dialog with. That dialog that got me through my undergraduate degree and has been sorely lacking from my Masters. And it's shown.

There is a great difference between asking me how my thesis is going or how much I've written today and asking me about my thesis. The subject. My findings. My limitations of study, etc. Most everyone does the former. People no longer letting me in did the latter. I miss such driving conversations like a car would miss getting an oil change for 2-3 years. Or like a muscle would atrophy if not being used for that same amount of time.

They may never read this, and that's ok too.

Well, no, it isn't. But it will be ok in the end eventually. Because it has to. Because there has to be other people out there that I can banter and explore information and add to knowledge with, if not in the same way, then in some way that will work for my mind. There just has to.

For now though, the blank page mocks me and I am left wondering about conversations that will never happen that might have made this process easier. It's so much more difficult to write when the other half of your brain won't speak to you. I find myself completely apathetic to this academic goal in part due to my isolation from anyone who gives a fuck about energizing me toward the end.

This time it actually is about you. Will you answer?
No, I suppose you won't.

And now, I'll try to get some sleep.

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margoeve

November 2014

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